Chaotic musings of a working mother

All my life, I have been the classic overachiever. I was the best at everything I did, especially in school and it mostly came without a ton of effort on my part. I was ambitious in college and climbed the corporate ladder pretty quickly in my last few jobs since graduating. With more responsibility came more money, recognition, self confidence. I was driven by those things, almost to an unhealthy degree. Then little Miss Courtney Rose came into my life and turned that way of thinking completely upside down.

I became content just doing the job I have now, the job that I actually love. I worked 9-5 so I can be home with my little girl in the evenings. My "ambition" in the traditional sense of the word abandoned me. I had different ambitions and goals. Though I still took pride in my work, what was most important was to be the most wife and mother I could be. To me, that was the source of TRUE happiness and success.

I still feel that way, but recently, I've began wanting more. I didn't go to UC Berkeley and work my butt off for nothing. I'm a really good financial analyst and was starting to get bored with my work. I put in for a promotion and suddently, all those old ambitious and competitive feelings came back. It was quite a dramatic couple of weeks. It turns out that the person I was trying to replace ended up not leaving the company so the position wasn't even available. I thought I wanted that job very badly. I was obssessed with getting it. I cried at first when I found out I wouldn't be getting the promotion. Then, I went home and suddenly, I was very relieved. I didn't like myself during those 2 weeks. I was working late and cranky during the rare time when I was home with my family. Is that really what I wanted? Sure, the money would have been great, but I don't think it would have been worth it. It would have meant significantly less time with my husband and daughter, more stress, more responsibility. That's just too much sacrifice right now. My daughter is going to be grown up before I know it and I don't want to miss one second of it that I don't have to. I have to work. I want to work. But I don't want to live to work. I want to work to live.

Thank god for those unanswered prayers. I would have been miserable!